Ladies' Night
by GarnetEwe
Summary: It's Ladies' Night at Heaven's Night and Maria has a problem on her hands. Her strippers have cancelled leaving no act for the night. It's now up to James to solve the problem and save the night.


Maria placed the phone back on the receiver and let out a defeated sigh. It was Ladies Night and so far none of her male strippers had been able to make it, leaving Heaven's Night with nothing to attract the customers. Leaning her head against the wall she closed her eyes and began breathing steadily whilst mentally counting from one to ten. Panic had started sinking in as she had already placed the posters up around town meaning there was no backing out. Recently business had been slow and Maria had promised she would improve the declining quality of the club. It occurred to her as a woman that the club only catered for a male audience and she decided this was the perfect opportunity to revive the night scene with the opposite sex. Females were the future and she could not let herself down, not now.

As she emerged from the storage area Maria caught sight of James seated at the bar, slumped forward and grasping a glass of less than frothy beer. He of all people would know what to do, after all he had helped her in the past and the two of them had been dating for a while now. Taking in a gush of oxygen she started towards him, the sound of her boots echoing off the walls.

"James honey," She said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Could you do me a huge favour?"

Her boyfriend stirred, glancing over his shoulder before swerving on his stool to face her. He looked slightly tipsy with drooping eyes and upturned lips forming a slovenly smile. She made a note to herself that she mustn't let him near the bar unaccompanied. James sat up straight as best he could and summoned up a little burp before replying.

"Sure just say the word and I'm there."

Maria clasped her hands together and smiled at the man before her, strangely charming in his drunken state. "All of my appointments have cancelled on me. I have no act for tonight's show." She paused to study James' expression of content before finishing her request. "Can you please help me out by having a scout around?"

James downed the rest of his beer in one gulp and then slipped off his chair to his feet. "I'll see what I can do." He said before walking to the door and leaving.

Maria collapsed into his stool, still warm from his body heat and leaned back onto the bar. Work didn't start until nine pm and she was already exhausted. It seemed that nobody helped her out despite both Cynthia and Heather taking a job there. Heather spent her time working the bar and Cynthia was a professional when it came to exotic dancing. Perhaps things would turn out okay, especially with James on the case. After all, he always did have a knack for solving problems. That seemed to be his speciality. That and killing his wives.

Maria got to her feet once more to prepare for the night's occasion, trying not to think of what a failure it could turn out to be.

***

James had no clue where he was going to find a replacement for Maria's strippers but if there was one thing he did know, it was one guy that would drive the girls crazy.

Pulling up a the Historical Society, James stepped out of his blue car, slamming the door shut. A thick fog was beginning to roll in from the lake and James was overcome with an odd feeling of nostalgia. Composing himself and walking up the gravel path to the entrance, he slowly pushed the creaking door open.

"Hey, are you in here?" James called out, half expecting the place to be empty.

There was no answer so James continued across the broken glass to the main hall, the one containing the large portrait of the executioner. It was just as he had remembered it, deteriorating and drab yet somehow memorable. He came to stand before the large portrait making note of how tasteless it was when he heard a somebody enter the room behind him.

"What are you doing here?" Came the low pitched echo.

James didn't reply, he didn't even turn around, instead he just continued to stare at the picture before him. Sensing the man coming to a stop next to him, James glanced up.

"That painting really doesn't do me justice." Pyramid Head sighed.

"No, you're much scarier in person." James chuckled.

Pyramid Head turned towards the man beside him. His helmet was inches away from piercing James' skull but the little man never flinched. "What do you want James?" A gruff voice asked.

"Maria is hosting a ladies night at the club but her strippers have cancelled on her. She needs a replacement and fast."

Pyramid Head turned his helmet away in thought, a grumble escaping him. "What do you expect me to do about it?"

"All the girls go crazy over you. You're the muscular epitome of sexy. The gals at tonight's show will love you."

Pyramid Head placed a hand on his helmet and let out another heavy sigh as James waited with sweaty palms, nervous about letting Maria down.

"I can't James. I just Can't. Do you know what those fan girls put me through?" Allowing his hand to drop Pyramid Head turned to lean against the wall. "Find somebody else."

"Like who?" James asked in desperation.

"Well, I do happen to know a few friends of yours who'd be happy to help." Came the sly reply.

***

As nine pm rolled around women began to bustle in through the door , filling the seats at the tables. Maria was pleasantly surprised to discover so many of them had turned up yet a deep rooted knot in her stomach would not disappear. James had still not returned and the show was due to begin in ten minutes. Eileen Galvin approached a nervous Maria who was chewing her nails at the bar.

"What's wrong, you look terrified?" She asked kindly, wearing a purple, low cut dress and a silver bangle.

"Oh Eileen it's terrible. All of my strippers cancelled on me, something about being eaten by the otherworld, so I sent James out to find replacements and he still hasn't come back yet."

Eileen reached out a hand and gently pulled Maria's fingers from her mouth. "Chewing your nails won't help. James has never failed you before right, so why worry?"

"Sure, except for the three times he let Pyramid Head impale me." Maria replied cynically, folding her arms as she did so.

Just as she was about to slink away into the storage room Heather appeared wearing blue jeans and an orange tank top. She was fumbling with her apron in an attempt to tie it.

"You're late." Maria stated sternly.

"Blame dad, he had to be somewhere tonight so I had no body to drive me here. I had to get the bus."

Maria was just about to give the teenager a speech on time management when the lights dimmed and the room fell quiet. Looking up in surprise Maria was astonished to hear a familiar voice make the announcement.

"Prepare to be entertained ladies, for tonight you will witness a show like never before. In three, two, one."

As James' voice died out the Village People's _YMCA _blasted out of the speakers on the ceiling. A spotlight fell on the red curtains shielding the audience from the stage and as the crowd grew quiet in anticipation, the curtain began to rise revealing five men in varying uniforms. A soldier, a police officer, a construction worker, a cowboy and a red Indian.

Maria's jaw dropped and Heather nearly let a tray of drinks fall to the floor as the revelation hit them. The men on stage continued their dance routine to an expectant crowd as the music continued to play. As the chorus approached, the men peeled off various pieces of their attire and threw them into the gang of women thus resulting in an outburst of excited screams.

The song drew to a close and it was time for the big finale as all five men lined up and yanked off their tiny thongs resulting in a deafening array screams and crazed women fighting to grab them.

"Oh my God, my eyes!" Heather shouted clasping her hands over her eyes as the men stood before her naked.

James, Henry, Alex, Harry and Douglas stood on stage wearing nothing but smiles as the females surrounded them.

"I wanted to be the soldier." Alex complained mournfully.

"Yeah and I wanted to be the cop." Douglas added.

"You get what you're given." James replied.

As Maria looked around the room she felt herself smiling gleefully at her success. Things would definitely start looking up for the club after tonight. She then turned her attentions to comforting a distraught Heather.

"So Eileen, what do you think?" Asked Henry who was now wearing a long trench coat.

Eileen looked him up and down before replying, "I've seen bigger."

Maria had left Harry to explain to his daughter why she should not charge him for indecent exposure and went to congratulate James. The two of them embraced and Maria let out a girlish laugh. "I knew I could count on you James. So tell me, where did you find them?"

"Oh those guys?" James said, pointing to the stage. "They're old friends of mine."

Just at that moment, Pyramid Head walked in from the storage area, grasping two bottles of beer. He motioned to James to come over.

"What is _he_doing here?" Maria asked angrily.

"Oh him, I invited him. After all it was him who gave me the idea to ask those guys."

Maria gave James her worst look and placed her hands defiantly on her hips. "How could you invite the thing who killed me, three times, to the club? "

"He doesn't mean any harm, he's just here to have some fun." James insisted.

"For all you know I could end up impaled again."

"So, you'll just spawn somewhere else like you always do." James answered, oblivious to his girlfriend's rising temperature.

He turned to walk towards Pyramid Head and Maria was just about to make a grab for him when a hand on her shoulder stopped her in her tracks. It was Eileen.

"Don't Maria. He's a man, he can't help it, just look at what I've got to put up with." She said, looking at Henry.

Maria glanced back at James and Pyramid Head, sipping their beer happily by the stage. After all he had done to save ladies night, she agreed to let him have his fun just this once. The night was young, the club was full and Maria smelt a promotion in the air.


End file.
